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Brush, but not too hard

April 30, 1999

There's nothing worse than people complaining about a product because it works too well.

For instance, there's glue. Try using that stuff that holds elephants from a trapeze by their teeth. If you accidentally glue the elephant's ear to the swing, the immobile animal will be stuck forever.

Another example is plastic wrap. You try to wrap something in it, but the stuff just clings together. Being persistent, you try to unwrap it. But the static forces that bind the universe won't allow a simple tug to do the trick.

Buy now.. low price... lifetime guarantee

April 27, 1999

One big disadvantage working at night is the television quality when I arrive home. Sometimes there could be a "Perfect Strangers" rerun or two, and possibly an old game show, but most channels are overrun by infomercials.

Webster defines an infomercial as "a long television commercial, often made to resemble a talk show, educational demonstration, interview, etc." Kudos to Webster's assessment. The only words missing from the definition are "trash," "ridiculous" and "cheap."

Now's the time to become a pirate

April 21, 1999

There are a plenty of new careers and opportunities these days, yet you rarely see anyone entering the piracy field. Some people have invented their own versions of a shipwrecked pirate - stealing stereos, hacking into computer files, playing baseball in Pittsburgh - but few take their chances on the high seas.

On the other hand, the Assocated Press said pirates killed more people in 1998 than the year before. The International Maritime Bureau reported Malaysian pirates, who killed 67 crewmen last year, are "getting increasingly violent."

Pirates? Violent?

Peeps do not fare well when put to the test

April 16, 1999

Easter has come and gone like a gypsy caravan once again, but one thing still remains — Easter candy. Checking expiration dates on bags and containers, 1999 Easter candy should last until 2450. People decide to buy candy following the holiday in hopes of big bargains.

A specific type of candy has intrigued many and plagued worldwide analysists with a simple question, "What is a Peep?"

Baseball and math add up

April 10, 1999

Today we will discuss a simple mathematical equation.

Baseball = Life

On the surface, it's a pretty simple equation. But it can be expanded to read the following: stitches/323(Yankees) * Concession stands^3+tickets - 37(fungoes) = Life

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From the Archive

RSS feed for benwoods.com now available

May 29, 2006

I finally have an RSS feed for my site available. In the near future, you will notice an RSS button just below the navigation on benwoods.com as well as thedevelopersbook.com for The Developers. For now, however, you can also pick up the feed by clicking here.

See "Fahrenheit 9/11," form your own opinion

July 20, 2004

This is not meant to be for or against Michael Moore's controversial new film, "Fahrenheit 9/11," only an urging to see the movie. It seems to me that much of America has become complacent about their views of the country, even to the point of not really caring what is going on.

Now maybe some of you have a job where you just punch in and punch out and really don't care what's happening above you. Sometimes there's power in ignorance. I guess I just don't work like that.

Peeps do not fare well when put to the test

April 24, 2006

Now that Easter has passed, it's safe to republish my Peeps column, circa. 1999 from the Crawfordsville Journal-Review.

Easter has come and gone like a gypsy caravan once again, but one thing still remains -- Easter candy. Checking expiration dates on bags and containers, 1999 Easter candy should last until 2450. People decide to buy candy following the holiday in hopes of big bargains.

A specific type of candy has intrigued many and plagued worldwide analysists with a simple question, "What is a Peep?"

Happy birthday to me

July 8, 2002

Thursday was my birthday. I celebrated by jumping

out of a cake. Unfortunately, my foot slipped on some

icing, and I swallowed a sparkler, but I'm OK now.

Anyway, this column actually serves an important purpose:

remembering people's birthdays. Everyone has a birthday,

except for people over 30 and some miniature golf course

Can you keep a secret?

June 25, 1999

Can you keep a secret?

Last week, I met with a special agent from the Department of Defense. I had my shrubbery costume ready (luckily, there were no dogs around), but it wasn't necessary. The agent led me into a room in the Crawfordsville Armory, looked both ways and closed the door. The questioning was ready to begin.

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Spumoni Press

Spumoni Press

If you’re in need of help with publishing a book or developing a web site, check out Spumoni Press.

Solving Problems

Check out the latest book in the Caimans at Work series! The caimans’ new store is the talk of the town. But with success comes navigating the speed bumps along the way. Have no fear – Raymond and Damon are always up for the challenge, whether they are finding a recipe, picking the right color, just doing laundry or investigating a peculiar mystery at their favorite place - a party, of course!

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