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July 9, 1999

Nomads have wandered through cities during the last two weeks, sold their goods and departed for lands of milk and honey.

They don't leave a trail, but their wares do – usually ashes, perhaps a foul-smelling odor but always a glowing experience.

Fireworks salespeople have rigorous lives. I recently caught up with one such seller, Smokin' Joe Romancandle. What follows is his normal day:

6 a.m. Wakes up, sings the "Star-Spangled Banner," eats a Pop-Tart and brushes his teeth.

July 3, 1999

Last month I was in Wal-Mart, and I aimlessly wandered into the vitamin aisle. There were hundreds of nutritional supplement items, but one caught my attention – shark cartilage.

Unfortunately, the label contained little information pertaining to what the product actually does, such as make one lose weight or grow a dorsal fin.

As a kid, I used to see "Jaws" on my wall at bedtime. Now I see health companies trying to withhold routine information on Jaws' cousins.

June 25, 1999

Can you keep a secret?

Last week, I met with a special agent from the Department of Defense. I had my shrubbery costume ready (luckily, there were no dogs around), but it wasn't necessary. The agent led me into a room in the Crawfordsville Armory, looked both ways and closed the door. The questioning was ready to begin.

June 18, 1999

Anyone fed up with the government? Ready to turn in your "Made in the U.S.A." clothing? You could have a chance to do just that — if you move south.

Southern Party organizers have registered with the secretaries of state in Florida, Georgia, Texas and Virginia, according to the Associated Press. The party hopes to establish ties in all former Confederate States plus six border states and eventually secede from the Union, a la the Civil War.

June 16, 1999

Last weekend, I was tangled in a crazy game of H-O-R-S-E with my cousins.

For those of you unfamiliar with the game, or think it is somehow tied to the Kentucky Derby, the game is simple. Make a basket (shoot, don't weave), and if the person behind you misses, they get a letter. You keep playing until you spell "horse." There are many versions of the game, including H-O-R-S-E-S, P-I-G, and a personal favorite, D-R-O-M-E-D-A-R-Y.

But which is more important to the game – athletic skill to make a shot, or being able to spell?

From the Archive

October 26, 2010

Fellow Baltimore writer Spencer Compton will be sharing commentary from his new book, "Get Real" at 7pm tonight (Oct. 26) at Red Emma's Bookstore and Coffee House.

May 15, 2003

If you were greatly anticipating my column this week, I have something a little

different than normal in store for you. Actually, if you are really anticipating

my column ANY week, I recommend you seek professional help, because that is

not normal.

I have created a simple compatibility test, which matches you, the

reader with

you, the movie star/singer. If you are one of the 12 selected celebrities

who are on the list, and you find out you are not compatible with yourself,

it's

September 8, 2004

Every once in awhile, there's something I cannot find on the Internet. Usually it's either something to do with lists of people's credit card numbers or food, and this item is no exception.

Melissa, a somewhat concerned reader, wondered where a person could purchase a cake that could be jumped out of. I had mentioned a cake like this in a previous column, thinking it was funny, because it never actually happened. I guess I didn't understand at the time the repercussions this could have.

July 7, 2003

HONK!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!? DON'T CUT IN FRONT OF ME YOU $#%#$@!!! HONK!!! HONK!!!

If this is you, and you also happen to find yourself saying these things often -- OK, every single time you drive more than 33 inches -- then you may be enthused to know I would like to do something about it.

Yes, soon there could be a way to get back at all of those people who pull up right on your bumper; who say using a turning signal is merely a fad; and who think the word "yield" means "go" and the word "merge" means "get outta my way."

August 13, 1999

The world's not revolving faster, nor have its inhabitants been hibernating, but time is moving faster. If time doesn't slow down, it could get pulled over, and it won't stand a chance in court.

Vacations have a lot to do with the insane pace of minutes. No, not the vacation you take. The vacation other people around you take. Many people working at the Journal have taken trips all across the United States, even to Canada. When someone leaves any business for a break, the remaining people must suffer the consequences.