The results are in: Bush, Gore lose to The Golf Channel

Posted on November 13, 2000

I have one simple request for Christmas -- that someone, ANYONE, will finally be named president. Yes, we have George W. and Al, but if they name Al W. George out of Minot, N.D., instead, that would be fine.

What caused this whole problem? The people of the United States, of course, always trying to stir up trouble, whether it's at the local moose lodge or bingo hall. Can't people fill in the correct circles? Can't people count votes right? Can't people use turning signals when changing lanes?

Instead of boring you recounting the last few days of every Republican and Democrat in the U.S. Senate and House, state Senate and House and the International House of Pancakes, I'd like to review some of the high points of the Internet coverage. Or you may see them as low points, as any election that is still continuing three days after the vote could be considered slightly worse than a cricket match.

Most of the major networks -- ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox and CNN -- had up-to-date coverage throughout Tuesday and Wednesday on their Web sites. The Golf Channel, the other major network, scrapped the coverage for -- GASP! -- a golf match.

The sites covered the initial vote count. They gave Florida to Gore. They took Florida away. They gave Florida to Bush. They took it away. They gave Florida to Fidel Castro. Castro exchanged it for a couple of baseball players. Wednesday, each site updated the newest recount totals. People were refreshing their browsers more often than they freshen up. The first wave of the recount finished Thursday. But we still have to wait for the absentee ballots. Then other questions have arisen: what's up with the voting problems in Palm Beach? Was their voter fraud? What about the people who voted None of the Above in Nevada? Did aliens, in fact, affect the vote in Iowa?

Let's all take a deep breath and rearrange the faces of our candidates. Click here.

We should agree on one thing: barring assassinations, George W. Bush and/or Al Gore will become president(s) of the United States. So if you must know how the acceptance speech will turn out, visit The Onion and see just what Bush or Gore had to say.

As twisted as this may seem, it's kind of cool not knowing who will be running the country next year. We thought the election was through, but it's still going. Only now, it's through Republicans and Democrats yelling at each other after just seconds before, looking so nice in their makeup and fake smiles.

"Senator, senator, if people can't fill in the correct circles, they shouldn't be voting."

"The ballots were ILLEGAL."

"No they weren't."

"Congressman, yes they were."

"No no no!!!!"

"Don't you agree they play golf a lot in Florida?"

"Yes ... then why didn't The Golf Channel cover the election?"


Everybody and their cousin-in-law also seems to be complaining about the election media coverage. Some have said election results should not be reported until after everyone has voted and that exit polls should be abolished. At the same time, people want information NOW, even if it's proven wrong later, they still want it now. There are prognosticators continually predicting certain teams are going to win this conference and that championship, and how often are they right?

Of course, if you are picking a game at halftime, it's a little easier to guess.

No matter, there are plenty of other interesting things out of election, brought to you by the Web. The New York Times has an interesting article explaining that Florida doesn't have to be included in the final vote. If you're into graphs, check out the Buchanan/Palm Beach vote totals . Apparently, people were watching their hand-held TVs and tuned to a riveting show, the 1976 Masters, while voting for the president.

Soon, say within the next four years, we will have a new president. If not, we will be able to vote for another. Until then, let's keep track of what's going on, but please don't waste too much time following it. There has got to be better things to do, like finally getting rid of those Richard Simmons "Sweating to the Oldies" tapes. I bet George W. and Al would both agree to that. And at this stage, if a Republican and Democrat actually agree on something, you need to run with it.