The real Christmas hits

Posted on December 18, 2000

I'm fairly convinced I'm the only person left on earth who has not created a Christmas album.

There is even a Billboard chart solely for Christmas albums. Well, I'm tired of being behind the times, and I'm tired of people who drive like mad on ice, but that's another story. I recently recorded my own Christmas album, entitled, "Ben really doesn't sing the Christmas favorites." My agent recommended I call it this because I actually don't sing anything. The CD carries a virus that turns your computer or CD player into a gingerbread man. I'm not sure what the 8-track does.

But I still had to create titles and lyrics, so at the best, you can get a small sample here:

Track 1: Have yourself a merry little Bitmap

Have yourself a merry little Bitmap ,
Let the dots be light
From now on,
monochrome images will be out of sight

Track 2: The first Novell

The first Novell, the consultant did say,
Was to certain poor businesses in ruins as they lay

Track 3: Santa Cache is coming to town (Duet with Bruce Springsteen. Actually Bruce does a lot of the singing.)

Oh you better watch out
you better not cry,
don't pull up old files,
I'm telling you why:
Santa Cache is coming to town!
Santa Cache is coming to town
Santa Cache is co-o-o-ming tooooooo town

Track 4: File not found (a wonderful rendition of "Deck the Halls")

File not found, it's been deleted,
Four-oh-four-oh-four oh-four-oh-four,
Server can't find it, so don't repeat it,
Four-oh-four-oh-four oh-four-oh-four,

Track 5: I'm dreaming of a stable OS
I'm ... dreamin' ... of a stable ... O-S
Not like the ones that used to blow

Track 6: Frosty the Tech Guy
Frosty the Tech Guy was a strange and crazy man
With a floppy disk and a cup of joe
and a manual in is hand

Track 7: All I want for Christmas is an ASCII chart

Everybody stops
and stares at me
they know I haven't got a clue
what a '9' is in ASCII

After I finished the album, Bruce showed me a site with an ASCII chart. Then he proceeded to do another verse of "Santa Cache is coming to town."

Track 8: Browser boy
Search the Internet with me, pa rum pum pum pum
Find lots of cool things, pa rum pum pum pum

Track 9: Linux the Red Hat OS

Linux the Red Hat OS
is in a very shiny box
and if you ever used it
you could say your server rocks

Track 10: JPEG art
Dashing through your files, or a couple of Internet sites
Over to look for images, grunting at your plight
Needing graphics fast, even by the night
What fun it is to have to draw your own without a break in sight!
JPEG art, JPEG art, JPEG instead of GIFs
Oh what fun it is to use random art of misfits

At this point, you are probably wondering exactly when I'll be in concert. For those looking for real Christmas songs, visit Christie's and Mike's Christmas Page. You won't find The Boss there, though.