If you want it, it's for sale at eBay

Posted on March 3, 2003

You're probably getting sick of me telling you every thing, EVERY SINGLE THING, can be found on the Internet. Then again, you might be thinking, "Sure chief, everything is on the Internet, but what if I want it for myself?"

I hate to break the news to you, but you can't have the Internet all to yourself. Oh, you mean one of those things you found on the Internet. Chances are good if you found it online, it's being sold online. You can buy from the major online stores, smaller stores or anything in between. Or you can head straight to eBay and select randomly from quite possibly the largest and strangest selection of items known to man.

According to eBay's Web site, there are more than 12 million items listed on eBay across 18,000 categories. In 2002, eBay members transacted $14.87 billion in annualized gross merchandise sales. There are plenty of normal things on eBay, but you can look at those on your own time. Today, though, browse with me some of the more intriguing items in this installment of eBay Gone Wild.

The Price is Right wall clock: Although this auction has apparently ended, it's too good not to mention. Remember a few years ago, when Bob Barker had a full head of dark hair? With this clock, you'll never forget that, plus you'll know what time it is. Maybe you will be hearing "Come on Down!" sooner than you thought. There was another auction for a 1960 "The Price is Right" ticket. I'm not sure how beneficial that would be, especially without a time machine.

Varieties of teeth: There were about 800 results when I searched for "teeth." Without exploring every option, I found plenty of shark teeth, the occasional triceratops tooth set, teeth whitening and "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" promotional Vampire Teeth. Oops, I almost forgot the fossilized raccoon and camel teeth. Dentists not included.

Michael Jackson red "Beat It" zipper jacket: It's getting more difficult not to go ahead and just purchase this one-of-a-kind item. Who's to say I couldn't grow my hair out a bit, gather up a few friends and remake the video. Or maybe I have something better to do, like finishing this column.

All items at Absolutely Everything Must Go: ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING MUST GO! Did you not hear me? Maybe I need to yell louder. I said ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING MUST GO! And that's just the name of the vendor. Choose from Electric OPEN Lighted Window Sign Neon Light, Statues of Flying Owl Horned Owls, Bear Wind Chimes Lodge Cabin and Giraffe Statues. That's right, get the feel of that flea market down the street in your very own home.

1992 Kool-Aid Barbie, first edition: Nothing says "You can't be serious" like the Kool-Aid Barbie Doll. This particular one is the first edition, which insinuates that there must be a second version as well. It's hard to tell why, unless Ken has indeed become the Kool-Aid Man.

Lot of two cookbooks, Burrito and Firehouse: Every cook needs a book entirely about cooking burritos. Most cooks probably didn't realize they could find this treasure on eBay. One can only guess what's located inside the "The American Firehouse Cookbook." It is recommend you use these recipes only when standing near a fire hydrant.

Ms. Pac-Man arcade game: Add to your growing collection of arcade games with this must-have item. Or, if you prefer, the sitdown version is also available. I prefer the latter, as those versions seemed to be prevalent in every pizza place I visited between the ages of 6-12.

Loch Ness Monster spice salt & pepper shakers: "Could you please pass Nessie's head? I need some salt for my green beans." The tail is reserved for pepper, and the body, the third piece, has a usefulness I haven't been able to determine yet. Supposedly, Angus MacFibber was able to call the Loch Ness Monster with a bell and salt. He could never get the beast to roll over or play Ms. Pac-Man though.

Royal Crown Cola two-bottle tin caddy: Coca-Cola and Pepsi have always been the big guns in the soda world, but don't forget Royal Crown. Here's your opportunity to purchase a two-bottle caddy for those RCs you have left over from anytime near World War I. I'm somewhat confused why anyone would want a piece of metal that is thoroughly rusted, but I guess that's just the beauty of eBay. There's a buyer for anything.

McDonald's International Hamburger University jacket: You haven't decided where to go to college right, huh? Well get a head start by buying a letter jacket for Hamburger U. The only thing that's not funny about this is that McDonald's managers surely make more money than I do.

Many of these auctions have probably ended by the time you are reading this column. But don't fret; there are plenty of similar items out there. Just go to eBay and search for anything that comes to mind. Or if you've collected enough stuff by now, put your unwanted items up for sale. Don't worry, people will buy them. Your goods cannot be any worse than the things already awaiting online bids.