How to use your cellphone

Some people walk around with a cellphone like it is the actual meaning of life. "Cellphone, please tell me again your perspective of good versus evil." Oh wait, maybe the person was just talking to their philosophy classmate.

Anyway, I've come up with some simple tips that probably most of you won't agree with, but I think it would make the world much more livable.

1. The ring: Isn't it cute that you can download any sort of ring, even the theme from "The Smurfs"? It's fairly annoying to hear these rings when THEY ARE TURNED UP AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE. If you want to keep the ring, OK, but at least use sensible volume control. Obviously it can be louder outside than inside, but be aware of others. I keep my phone on a single beep, which barely bothers me, much less anyone else.

2. The talk: You don't have to yell! OK, maybe you do, because your signal is bad. If you are having trouble hearing the person you are talking to, maybe you should try to call your friend back. There's nothing sillier than being out in public and looking as if you are talking to yourself. I take that back, humming the "Smurfs" is pretty silly too.

3. The coolness: Do you think you are cool because you have a cellphone? Think again! Just about everyone has a cellphone. It would be like thinking you are cool because you are wearing socks. Then again, some people wear sandals, and some people just go barefoot.