For some people, Christmas is the time of year that
most people never want to end. More importantly, Christmas
isn't over until you've gotten every item on your wish
At first, I thought I had received everything I wanted.
Then I opened some junk e-mail and looked through a
few catalogs to realize all the things I didn't have.
A good example is a laminating machine. I'm pretty certain
some companies purposely don't advertise particular
items because the demand would just be too immense.
I'm going to show you a few of the best technologically
advanced items so you can add those to your list. Christmas
doesn't know it's January! Although I think credit card
companies keep good tabs on those things.
NOTE: This is not the same column as Dave
Barry's 2001 Gift Guide. I'm a fan of Dave's, but
there's a huge difference: He makes his living writing
columns. I make a living THEN I write my column. Sometimes
my Living falls apart because I use masking tape, but
that's a different story. Another difference is Dave
doesn't have an e-mail address, whereas I receive a
copy of every e-mail you have ever sent to anyone. At
least it seems that way when I clean out my junk e-mail.
The e-mail I sifted through didn't produce too many
excellent post-Christmas gift ideas: DVD duplication
software, an investor's kit, a cell phone and science
fiction books. There were about 58 messages to refinance
a house I don't have and to recover hair I haven't really
One item, the internal antenna, also appeared on TV
recently and in the Carol
Wright gifts magazine I received with "Current Resident
or" circled in black ink. Supposedly this mechanism,
when attached to a cell phone, extends your antenna
4 feet. I've heard you can do the same thing with masking
tape, but don't try it while in a tunnel. There is an
important statement not in the magazine that was in
my e-mail: "Please note that it will not provide signal
where there is none." You know, like under the laminating
There are plenty of other items in the catalog (check
it out online), about half of which I would use for
at least five minutes if they were given to me. But
I found other cool things online. First, we have the
camera. Yep, I really know a technological breakthrough
when I see one. Why someone would combine French fries
with a camera, I'm not sure. No salt included.
The other top item I found was an invisibility
book. The site says you can "learn how to make yourself
invisible and levitate anyone or anything--including
yourself." As I copied this quote over, it disappeared;
it was amazing! Then I realized it was just white text
on a white background, so it reappeared. So maybe I
don't need to read the book after all. I would recommend
placing a piece of masking tape on the invisibility
book; that way, if you make it disappear, you will be
able to locate it.
CNN also ran a story about weird
Christmas ideas, although none came with French
fries. Dave Barry's is probably the best holiday gift
guide, so you can check that out too. Even if you have
taken down the tree, the companies that sell this wonderful
stuff have not. You can buy them now or tomorrow, or
you can save your money for next year's round of weird
ideas. I think I'll just try to tape my life back together
in the meantime.