Get answers, or at least find Mr. T

Posted on January 15, 2001

Sometimes I have a hard time getting my work finished because I have different questions popping into my head. I try to ignore those questions to move on with my life and wash all of my electrical appliances, but it's just no use.

Now, whenever I have a really tough question, I just hang out at Ask Jeeves. Even if I don't always get my questions answered, the service is great and the buffet is amazing. OK, so there isn't a buffet, but if there were, I'd probably never leave the site.

While switching between different jobs Wednesday, I pondered 10 questions, mostly useless to you. But at least you will get an idea of what type of answers you should expect when you visit the site.

1. Who is Jeeves?

A. OK, so I don't actually lose sleep because I don't know Jeeves. But sure enough, by typing this in, you get the answer. Ask Jeeves started in 1996 and has been growing ever since.

2. What is Mr. T doing right now?

A. A friend noticed Mr. T on the Faith Channel last week, so I thought maybe the "Rocky II" star had a T-cam set up somewhere. Unfortunately, on the short search, I found only fan club pages. Lord knows Mr. T would be at Ask Jeeves, too, for a buffet.

3. Does God live in the United States?

A. From the results, I gather no, but there really wasn't a definite no. I did, instead, find a bunch of pages about different religions. I thought maybe it was possible God lived in the Ivory Coast, so I asked the next question.

4. What is the capital of Ivory Coast?

A. Where have I been? The Ivory Coast doesn't even exist anymore, which means 80 percent of the countries I learned in high school geography have now been dissolved in some way. It appears it just goes by its French name, Cote d'Ivoire. The capital is Yamoussoukro. Maybe I've been living underwater.

5. Are my feet wet?

A. I received the worst response from this question, as Ask Jeeves didn't even bother to give me a towel or a blanket or invite me to take my socks off. Instead, I got links for foot care and measurements.

6. How am I doing?

A. How do you think I'm doing? I'm looking for a buffet, God and/or Mr. T in the Ivory Coast with wet feet!!! Oh, the results. I found a site with a mood ring. Wow.

7. When will I die?

A. You can take the death quiz and find out exactly when you die. You do have to answer 54,102 questions, but it's worth it. I have until June 10, 2052, which is a long time from now. That's a lot more info than a stupid random mood ring.

8. Who wrote my autobiography?

A. The answer, if anything, should be me, but instead, it gave me links on how to write an autobiography. I think I'll title it "Searching for the endless buffet with soggy feet."

9. Why is egg nog sold only during the holidays?

A. This is the question that has perplexed me for at least five years, but Jeeves had zero answers. Although drinking egg nog every day would possibly turn a person into a blimp, there's a better chance of finding Bigfoot in the grocery after Christmas than egg nog.

10. Who would win a fight between Bigfoot and Fabio?

A. Who cares about the result? Why would someone voluntarily make a Web site devoted to Fabio?

You can see the results to my questions by copying and pasting at Ask Jeeves, but I would recommend you ask questions that have been puzzling you instead. I will continue my quest to find a buffet, and I'm sure along the way, I'll surely run into God, Mr. T, Fabio, Bigfoot or the entity who renamed the Ivory Coast. What would my mood ring read now?