What do Elvis, Bing Crosby and Wham all have in common? No, besides being three of the top musical acts of the 20th century. Of course! They all have had Christmas hits!
Not that that really separates them from any other musical acts. Who hasn't made a Christmas album? If you said yes, you need to get on it. Even I have composed my own Christmas music. Two years ago, with the help of Bruce Springsteen, I completed my first album "Ben Really Doesn't Sing the Christmas Favorites." It didn't quite make platinum, but I bet my grandma would have bought a copy if I would have actually completed it.
I decided one Christmas album wasn't enough. So my sophomore collection of melodies, "Ben Again Really Doesn't Sing the Christmas Favorites," has 10 more songs that should bring you joy. I'm publishing some of the lyrics below, but the CD won't be out until Dec. 26. I'm thinking if I wait until after Christmas, people might buy it if it's on sale.
Also, I didn't forget the few of you who submitted your favorite songs like 34 years ago during my music survey. Click here to see the results. I was holding out for more entries, but I guess people had better things to do, like sign up for surveys you could win actual prizes.
All right, here are this year's selections:
Track 1: (Walkin' on a) Splintered Motherboard
Hard drive fails, are you list'nin?
Monitor busts, and is glist'nin
A horrible sight
That causes some fright
Walkin' on a splintered motherboard
Track 2: Silver Dells
Silver Dells, silver Dells
It's Christmas time for your office
Ding-a-ling, that Dell guy seems
Soon he will please disappear
Track 3: Last Christmas
(performed as a duet with George Michael. We couldn't get all of Wham together, so this was better than nothing)
Track 4: Santa Backup
Hurry up and copy my files
(Editor's note: I couldn't not convince George that I was singing this one by himself, and we could not agree on other lyrics, so this is all I have. Sorry.)
Track 5: Bluetooth Christmas
I'll have a Bluetooth Christmas: no more wires
Yeah, huh, a Bluetooth Christmas, I am a buyer;
Who needs an old cell phone, or even one at home
When you can have a blue, blue, Bluetooth Christmas
Track 6: Edit Slow
(Sing to the tune of "Let It Snow"
Oh the text on the screen is frightful,
But the end of any project is delightful,
So take your time and we can go,
Edit slow, edit slow, edit slow
Track 7: USBs
(Some people know this one as "We Three Kings")
USBs of simplicity are
Connecting devices that traverse afar,
Keyboards, scanners, joysticks and printers
Plug and go, we are
Track 8: Oh Directory Tree
Oh directory tree, oh directory tree,
How you organize all my files!
Track 9: Programs Roasting Through an Open Firewall
Programs roasting through an open firewall
Five hackers nipping at your nose
Your data's future hard to call
And folks dressed up like Eskimos
(Editor's note: I had planned the last line to be, "And your business is completely in throes," but lo and behold, George refused to change the original. Supposedly, he's still ticked because Wham's first hit was supposed to be "Wake me up, you big ol' Eskimo."
Track 10: Look! The Junky Emails Say
(Better known as "Hark the Herald Angels Sing")
Look! The junky emails say
Unsubscribe or you'll go insane
Once again, I've completed an album. And once again, I will more than likely stick to my current job. I expect George to call me, though, if Elton John cancels his next tour.