Bush, Kerry squeak past the tortoise

Posted on September 29, 2004

With the presidential election nearing faster than teenage girls swarming the New Kids on the Block, it's time to make a decision. But why bother going to the polls when there are so many more interesting things going on, like National Fig Week? That's why I've put together for you Ben's Grab Bag of Political Information.

Sure, I care who you vote for. More importantly, I care that you receive a heavy dose of material from BOTH sides, so you don't just automatically assume you are right and they are wrong. Even if you have already decided who you want in the White House, you'll benefit from reviewing the sites I've listed below. Keep in mind, though, that if you decide you've had enough of the current candidates, and you want to run yourself, you have to be at least 35 years old to be president. That excludes just about all creatures except humans and the giant tortoise, which lives to be 150 or so.

WARNING: if you are a hard-core Republican or Democrat, you will most likely find some of the following literature offensive. If you're like me, you'll take it like a good sport and yell at your computer for a couple of minutes, and possibly spin around in your chair a couple of revolutions. I'll try to alternate between both sides, but some of this information is so strange that I'm not sure which side benefits.

ANOTHER WARNING THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE AVERAGE WARNING, WHICH IS WHY I STILL HAVE THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON: Maybe you're right in the middle, or maybe you don't care about the election. OK, if you are a sea turtle, then fine, you don't have to care. But if you are an American citizen and of age, you really need to care. Read the information and pick a side. You don't have to do it immediately, just before November 2. The former prime minister of England, Margaret Thatcher, once said, "Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides."

WARNING ABOUT ENGLAND: Last time I checked, British troops are not, I REPEAT, are not attempting to take back America for the Queen (of England, not the band), which gives us another reason to vote. I will, however, be on the lookout for suspicious election officials wearing red coats, drinking spots of tea and waddling mercilessly to stay ahead of the average tortoise.

Ah yes, back to Ben's Grab Bag of Political Information. Here are those links: