Are you dead or alive

Posted on August 5, 2002

It has come to my attention that celebrities really

do have everything. I'm not just talking about stardom,

money and infomercials selling things like the Flowbee.

If at any time celebrities question whether or not they

are dead, they can find out instantly at Dead

or Alive.

Think about how handy this may be. Just the other day,

while I was debating if I should drink orange juice

with a bunch of pulp, a little pulp or none at all,

I wondered if I truly were alive. And if I were, indeed,

alive, how would I know? If only I were a celebrity,

I could have found out instantly from this Web site.

There are almost 6000 people listed at Dead or Alive;

it's pretty much split down the middle for the dead/alive

ratio. Not only can you search for particular people

in a variety of ways to determine if they are still

around, but you can take quizzes that gauge your ability

at knowing a person's status on earth.

Some of the results, though, made me skeptical of the

site's accuracy. First, Elvis

Presley was listed as dead. Who in their right mind

could honestly believe Elvis is dead? I see at least

five bumper

stickers each day proclaiming the King is still

alive (I wish I saw the bumper sticker "Black holes

are where God divided by zero" a little more often).

Didn't Elvis just have yet another

top song on the UK charts? He just passed the Beatles

for all-time number one hits. I think there's still

an outside chance for Milli Vanilli to catch him though.

The man can't be dead. But I really don't have time

to search for him. Remember my orange juice dilemma?

If you need more information on Elvis, check out,

an Elvis search engine, and a piece titled "Jesus

is alive, Elvis is alive -- what's the difference?"

Another singer/entertainer who may or may not be alive

is Tupac Shakur. He was the rapper who was supposedly

gunned down six years ago in Las Vegas. That is, if

you want to believe that. It seems every year or so

a rapper is shot, which appears to be a bit overkill

to me. I mean, if they need to get rid of a rapper,

couldn't they just send him to a different country?

Or better yet, make him a country singer? He could also

drive around a purple 1967 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme

Holiday with the bumper sticker "Gravity- It's

not just a good idea, it's the LAW!"

There is plenty -- yes, you heard me right, PLENTY

-- of evidence revealing that Tupac is still alive.

Check it out for yourself at Tupac

fans and TupacNet.Org.

It is usually a deterrent to be dead for most things

in everyday life, but according to a story on,


is supported by dead people. According to the article,

letters were sent last year by people who are allegedly

dead urging state officials to be lenient during Microsoft's

court battles. Unfortunately, the dead people were unavailable

for comment.

It would be advantageous to know, at all times, whether

an average citizen were dead or alive, but I guess we're

just going to have to go with our gut instinct for now.

There's no use in mulling over things that cannot be

easily verified. In case you wonder occasionally if

you do, indeed, still exist, check out your local obituaries

page just to be sure. I still haven't seen Elvis or

Tupac there, which gives me hope they are singing a

duet, possibly "Wind Beneath My Wings" right

now at a Burger King in Hawaii.