Good prequels

"Star Wars" has been in theaters for two days now. Is anyone still counting? Die-hard fans have probably already memorized the movie and are currently petitioning for title roles in the next installment.

The rest of us, "Star Wars" fans or not, have moved on with our lives. The movie was good, the special effects and sound were excellent, but there are other things to do, like clean the bathroom or raise porcupines.

Helping or something to that effect

Fold out a brown cardboard box.

Add five strips of tape - three long ways, two short ways - to the bottom.

Stack a layer of canned goods, maybe some baby food and toiletries, followed by a layer of clothes or towels or another random packing item.

Seal the box with five more pieces of tape, load it and be ready for another.

Crawfordsville residents weren't moving, but they were following a recipe for others who were. No one really knew who they were helping, but the cars of goods rarely stopped last weekend at the Hoosiers Helping the Heartland drive.

A crock of a column

Most people probably think Crock-Pots, stoneware slow cookers, are about as interesting as clothes hangers. They take up space, are decorated with small vegetable pictures and stand out like a drunk at a frat party.

But the real question concerning the cookware is — how come everything you put in a Crock-Pot always tastes like ... a Crock-Pot?

Brush, but not too hard

There's nothing worse than people complaining about a product because it works too well.

For instance, there's glue. Try using that stuff that holds elephants from a trapeze by their teeth. If you accidentally glue the elephant's ear to the swing, the immobile animal will be stuck forever.

Another example is plastic wrap. You try to wrap something in it, but the stuff just clings together. Being persistent, you try to unwrap it. But the static forces that bind the universe won't allow a simple tug to do the trick.

Buy now.. low price... lifetime guarantee

One big disadvantage working at night is the television quality when I arrive home. Sometimes there could be a "Perfect Strangers" rerun or two, and possibly an old game show, but most channels are overrun by infomercials.

Webster defines an infomercial as "a long television commercial, often made to resemble a talk show, educational demonstration, interview, etc." Kudos to Webster's assessment. The only words missing from the definition are "trash," "ridiculous" and "cheap."

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Random News

Dented metal slide - by Chris Woods

My brother, Chris, recently recounted a tulmultuous occurrence in our lives. Here's the text of that fateful day.

Baltimore Book Festival school fundraiser

I plan to attend the 2009 edition of the Baltimore Book Festival ... as a customer, though, not as a vendor. But I still feel as if I should be more a part of the action. So, for the rest of September, I decided to give away a few copies of my workplace humor novel, "The Developers," in conjunction with raising money for Southwest Baltimore Charter School.

Time travelers hit the web

Recently I was in one of those click-and-conquer moods. You know, where you find something decent to read on a news website, then you see another link, which takes you to something else that looks pretty interesting.

What the pretty girl did with my business card

OPTION A

"Did that guy REALLY think I would call or email him?" she says to her friend. "What do you think I should do with this?"

"There are a lot of things you could do with a business card," the friend says, grabbing the card from her left hand and holding it up to the light. "You could turn it into a coaster. You could make an airplane out of it, although it would be a tiny airplane. You could even write a something on the back of it."

The friend pulls out an ink pen and tries desperately to scribble "FREAK" on the back of it.

I'm at my best when I'm in sync with what's random

Like most people (I hope), I spend a lot of time thinking. My best thinking moments by far are when I'm in the shower in the morning, just after a nap and anytime I'm at Wal-Mart.

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