Moving on, but packing few regrets

Editor's Note: This was Ben's final column while writing for the Crawfordsville (Ind.) Journal Review.

This will be the last column I write for the Journal Review. I may start them again sometime in the future. I would like to. But for now, this will have to do.

If any of you have column ideas, please still tell them to me and send them. I will keep a list, and somewhere down the road, maybe they will let me do this again.

Soft drink turns people psycho?

In a day and age when there are so many different types of people, with various races, ethnicities and personalities, there is one type I'm more likely to associate with frequently.

I have an insatiable and unconscious desire to surround myself with Dr Pepper drinkers.

But Iím also convinced that most Dr Pepper drinkers are psychotic.

Which comes first is unclear. And calling someone psychotic can be misconstrued, so Dr Pepper drinkers, donít take this personally. But ponder the following arguments.

Vacations hectic for employees

The world's not revolving faster, nor have its inhabitants been hibernating, but time is moving faster. If time doesn't slow down, it could get pulled over, and it won't stand a chance in court.

Vacations have a lot to do with the insane pace of minutes. No, not the vacation you take. The vacation other people around you take. Many people working at the Journal have taken trips all across the United States, even to Canada. When someone leaves any business for a break, the remaining people must suffer the consequences.

Ticket turns into hassle

Most sensible people would probably concede, pay the ticket and try harder next time. Not me. Finally, Aug. 2 at 8:50 a.m., the charges were dismissed. I was a free man. But the way it happened was a bit intriguing.

If you can't beat the heat, join it

Boy it's hot outside. That's why I'm inside now. People keep talking about beating the heat. You've got to be kidding. You couldn't even beat the heat with a large frying pan. To avoid one silly cliché, I've decided to live by another — if you can't beat it, join it. Here's a short list of things to do to join the heat:

Start a fire — You can burn a lot faster, and burn a lot more for that matter. The folks at Woodstock 99 decided to light a few bonfires, loot shops and get really, really angry. Unfortunately, Willie Nelson escaped with few burns.

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Random News

Hate mail for a humor columnist is funny

I received an email from Morgan a couple of weeks ago, wondering why I was posing as a global warming expert. The funny thing is, I don't ever recall mentioning I was a global warming expert, although I did write a column about it.

Sports website gets to the bottom, or punchline, of things

If you are any sort of sports fan whatsoever, you have probably read numerous articles on sites like espn.com, cbssportsline.com, etc. You may notice that the links I just provided are not clickable because assuming you are a sports fan, you already have them bookmarked. If you are not a sports fan, you should probably stop reading this, because the website I'm about to list will be incomprehensible to you.

Help wanted: Be on TV, or at least pretend

With the recent surge in reality television, I have decided to create my own

hit series called "The Communicator." I need someone to be in charge

of my phone decisions. So every time a telemarketer calls, urging me to move

my phone plan to another galaxy, I will transfer them directly to The Communicator.

At that point, I would hope the telemarketer would be told that I'm locked

into a contract until the year 2348, but that it was OK to call back after

that time.

Let's start over with the Internet

Fed up with the Internet? Tired of spam email messages? Sick of your slow connection? Ready to implode the World Wide Web just like it is the Kingdome?

If you are in favor of any of the above assessments, I may have good news for you. According to Yahoo News, researches are exploring destroying the current Internet and replacing it with a new one.

The Developers available at Amazon.com

If you have read the book already, feel free to rate it as well as write a little review. If you haven't read it, you can rank it anyway ... of course it will be good! If you are interested in purchasing it, you may do so from Amazon, but I would recommend buying it directly from me, just because that seems easier, don't you think?

Check out The Developers on Amazon.com.

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