If you can't beat the heat, join it

Boy it's hot outside. That's why I'm inside now. People keep talking about beating the heat. You've got to be kidding. You couldn't even beat the heat with a large frying pan. To avoid one silly cliché, I've decided to live by another — if you can't beat it, join it. Here's a short list of things to do to join the heat:

Start a fire — You can burn a lot faster, and burn a lot more for that matter. The folks at Woodstock 99 decided to light a few bonfires, loot shops and get really, really angry. Unfortunately, Willie Nelson escaped with few burns.

Choose words wisely

Bad things happen.

There's nothing anyone can do; they just happen. This past week, we saw our fair share of incidents. Nationally, a man whose life has been in a continual spotlight died in a plane crash. Locally, a young woman was found dead after being missing since July 4.

Tragedies strike at all times, mostly when least expected. There are numerous levels of tragedies, yet they all come back to one thing — loss. Losing something or someone can be devastating. But eventually, the void becomes a part of you, while you try fervently to concentrate on other things.

Grass cutting fun

In today's society, there are two groups of people — ones who get paid to cut grass and ones who cut grass only because it's their duty to the country. Actually there's a third, smaller group of people, composed mostly of apartment dwellers, kids and travel agents. But they, too, have either had to cut the grass or will in the future.

What are fireworks salespeople up to now anyway?

Nomads have wandered through cities during the last two weeks, sold their goods and departed for lands of milk and honey.

They don't leave a trail, but their wares do – usually ashes, perhaps a foul-smelling odor but always a glowing experience.

Fireworks salespeople have rigorous lives. I recently caught up with one such seller, Smokin' Joe Romancandle. What follows is his normal day:

6 a.m. Wakes up, sings the "Star-Spangled Banner," eats a Pop-Tart and brushes his teeth.

Shark cartilage possesses a mean bite

Last month I was in Wal-Mart, and I aimlessly wandered into the vitamin aisle. There were hundreds of nutritional supplement items, but one caught my attention – shark cartilage.

Unfortunately, the label contained little information pertaining to what the product actually does, such as make one lose weight or grow a dorsal fin.

As a kid, I used to see "Jaws" on my wall at bedtime. Now I see health companies trying to withhold routine information on Jaws' cousins.

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Random News

Holiday special! The Developers for $6

Just in time for the holidays, I've decided to put together a little book sale for "The Developers." Between now and the end of the year, if you're interested in purchasing a copy, I'll send you an autographed copy for $6. Or, if you need two copies (perhaps one as a Christmas gift), that will cost you $10. And yes, I'm including shipping. Stores can have crazy deals, so why can't I?

Say yes to CSS

If you navigate through as many Web sites as I do in a day (approximate estimation: 341,307,121,980), you've probably wondered the following things one time or another:

Kung-Fu your way to presidency

It's election time again, and this is a big one. I'm not just talking about the Big Mac/Whopper taste test (Who won that vote anyway?). Americans will elect a new president in 2008, and the caucuses have already begun. But there's another way that you, a citizen of the United Internets of the Galaxy, can participate.

Help wanted: Be on TV, or at least pretend

With the recent surge in reality television, I have decided to create my own

hit series called "The Communicator." I need someone to be in charge

of my phone decisions. So every time a telemarketer calls, urging me to move

my phone plan to another galaxy, I will transfer them directly to The Communicator.

At that point, I would hope the telemarketer would be told that I'm locked

into a contract until the year 2348, but that it was OK to call back after

that time.

Recent publicity in the Evansville newspaper

Although this occurred two weeks ago, the Evansville Courier & Press ran a little article about me and my book, "The Developers" just before my signing down there. The paper may do a review at a later date, but I was extremely pleased with Becky Coudret's article. Here it is:

Humor/ tech writer at Border's

By REBECCA COUDRET Courier & Press staff writer 464-7509 or coud@evansville.net

January 21, 2006

Ben Woods calls himself a humor/technology writer - which has to be considered a new genre of literature.

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