JFK learns how to build HTML tables

Those of you who have mastered the art of building a Web site have probably encountered the most important tool known to designers: the protractor.

Coming in second would have to be tables, the backbone to many pages you have visited in your lifetime, or at least within the last three weeks. Tables are the most primitive of the HTML tags because people like to have things in nice readable fashion, excluding tabloid magazines. Most people prefer tabloids that look similar to newspapers more than 40 years ago, which contained at least 343 headlines on each page.

The results are in: Bush, Gore lose to The Golf Channel

I have one simple request for Christmas -- that someone, ANYONE, will finally be named president. Yes, we have George W. and Al, but if they name Al W. George out of Minot, N.D., instead, that would be fine.

What caused this whole problem? The people of the United States, of course, always trying to stir up trouble, whether it's at the local moose lodge or bingo hall. Can't people fill in the correct circles? Can't people count votes right? Can't people use turning signals when changing lanes?

E-mails overrunning a business near you

Is this what the world is coming to? People sitting 6 inches away from each other will not talk to each other but instead, write short e-mails?

An example:

From: Someone

Sent: November, Wednesday 1, 2000 11:41 AM

To: Someone else

Subject: Outside

Did you see that?

Spooky sites sound all right

Maybe you are one of those people who are completely terrified of computers, the Internet and lemon-flavored cough drops. If so, you probably are no where near being able to read this column, and if I had to guess, you are most likely hiding in a basement in Turkey. That is, if they have basements in Turkey. So if you know someone like this, please print this column immediately and send it to them because it could save their life.

Keep your eyes open when wagering online

I bet you $100 you've visited an online gambling site.

Ha! What a trick. See, if you said no, but I had to pay you, then it would be gambling.

Online gambling, much like the beginning of this column, seems to be frustrating and silly. For the sake of every potential column reader, I've looked at a few online gambling sites and come to a simple conclusion -- I am sick of blinking Web sites.

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Random News

Photoshop is not a verb!

I've photoshopped a few files in my time. What? I can't say that? Oh great. I've just used the term "Photoshop" illegally.

According to Adobe Systems Incorporated Terms of Use, there are specific ways to use Photoshop. No, not the actual program, but just the word for it. Yes Adobe, we understand that trademarks are important for corporations and the identity of products.

I'm a slave for file extensions

A reader once questioned me about extensions. Perturbed,

I responded, "Maybe they work for Britney, but I'm not

ready for hair extensions." Then I fell out of my chair,

hit my head on the keyboard and realized he meant file

extensions.

JavaScript can make your pages better

In the beginning, the Internet gods created hypertext markup language. This language, known to you and me as HTML, was pretty much the sole programming possibility in the earliest development stages of the World Wide Web.

It's never too late to purchase Christmas gifts

Even though it might be after Dec. 25 by the time you read this, it is still not too late to make that last shopping run. This year, especially if you live in the Midwest, your excuse will work even better:

"I ordered your present online, and it hasn't arrived yet."

That simple sentence should give you at least an additional week to make purchases. And with the 236 inches of snow some areas have received, there's no telling when a present, even ordered after Lincoln's birthday, will appear.

Baseball and math add up

Today we will discuss a simple mathematical equation.

Baseball = Life

On the surface, it's a pretty simple equation. But it can be expanded to read the following: stitches/323(Yankees) * Concession stands^3+tickets - 37(fungoes) = Life

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