JFK learns how to build HTML tables

Those of you who have mastered the art of building a Web site have probably encountered the most important tool known to designers: the protractor.

Coming in second would have to be tables, the backbone to many pages you have visited in your lifetime, or at least within the last three weeks. Tables are the most primitive of the HTML tags because people like to have things in nice readable fashion, excluding tabloid magazines. Most people prefer tabloids that look similar to newspapers more than 40 years ago, which contained at least 343 headlines on each page.

The results are in: Bush, Gore lose to The Golf Channel

I have one simple request for Christmas -- that someone, ANYONE, will finally be named president. Yes, we have George W. and Al, but if they name Al W. George out of Minot, N.D., instead, that would be fine.

What caused this whole problem? The people of the United States, of course, always trying to stir up trouble, whether it's at the local moose lodge or bingo hall. Can't people fill in the correct circles? Can't people count votes right? Can't people use turning signals when changing lanes?

E-mails overrunning a business near you

Is this what the world is coming to? People sitting 6 inches away from each other will not talk to each other but instead, write short e-mails?

An example:

From: Someone

Sent: November, Wednesday 1, 2000 11:41 AM

To: Someone else

Subject: Outside

Did you see that?

Spooky sites sound all right

Maybe you are one of those people who are completely terrified of computers, the Internet and lemon-flavored cough drops. If so, you probably are no where near being able to read this column, and if I had to guess, you are most likely hiding in a basement in Turkey. That is, if they have basements in Turkey. So if you know someone like this, please print this column immediately and send it to them because it could save their life.

Keep your eyes open when wagering online

I bet you $100 you've visited an online gambling site.

Ha! What a trick. See, if you said no, but I had to pay you, then it would be gambling.

Online gambling, much like the beginning of this column, seems to be frustrating and silly. For the sake of every potential column reader, I've looked at a few online gambling sites and come to a simple conclusion -- I am sick of blinking Web sites.

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Time travelers hit the web

Recently I was in one of those click-and-conquer moods. You know, where you find something decent to read on a news website, then you see another link, which takes you to something else that looks pretty interesting.

Adding music to a website

I haven't seen any exact data on this, because I'm not even sure it's available, but I'm guessing perhaps one in eight websites have background music playing on them. While some sites use the music to promote a musician's new release, others apparently prefer to remind you of standing in an elevator for an infinite amount of time.

Can databases make your life easier? Bank on it

Many of you have surely noticed lengthy URLs at different times while surfing the Internet. Here's an example of a large URL: http://lw8fd.law8.hotmail.msn.com/cgi-bin/getmsg?curmbox=F000000001 &a=23f60270a632fa3543041ec27819571d&msg=MSG991341874.3 &start=1993662&len=1265&msgread=1&mfs=2011. What does all this craziness mean?

Yet another reason to have an iPod

Amazingly enough, there are a handful of people out there who still have not purchased an iPod yet. It's too bad, really, because studies have shown that people who have iPods experience less back pain later in life, most likely because they aren't carrying around boom boxes on their shoulders during the formidable years of their lives. Haven't you wonder why chiropractors have yet to endorse the handheld music device?

We've been jammed!

Just in case, you might want to start stashing a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in your freezer. For now, the U.S. courts denied Smuckers a patent on its PB&J pastries, but you never know what will happen the next time out.

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