I still have a few more chapters to write, but I would like to share with my readers an early excerpt from my new project. It's a workplace humor memoir (the working title is Polos to Ties) that is based on a job I had two years ago. Let me know what you think!
Instead of finding a new job, which of the following would you rather be doing?
1. Watching the documentary - "The History of Sun Dresses."
2. Watching the story of heterosexuals in the fashion industry, "Pinking Sheers are for Straight Guys too!"
3. Analyzing "The making of 'Pinking Sheers are for Straight Guys too!' " (commentary provided by Pat Robertson) while sitting in a crowded dressing room in a department store in hell.
If you answered all of the above, congratulations! Nearly everyone surveyed said that job hunting is last on the list of things they want to do. The only items finishing behind searching for a job were peeing in public view and tap dancing on molten lava.
Unfortunately, finding a job is a necessity in our way of life, and it's difficult to escape. In fact, the only way I've found to avoid it is to HAVE a job. That way, I don't have to look for another, although occasionally I do, because I can always use the money for a new pair of pinking sheers.
What's frustrating, however, is just because you have a job doesn't mean you get to keep it. You may be the greatest employee ever. Maybe you fetch coffee and offer your expertise and/or body to your boss on a regular basis. While that might keep your position (or a few of them, depending on your boss' stamina) for a period of time, there are still no certainties in the workplace. OK, there is one certainty: If you're not screwing someone, you're going to get screwed yourself.
By now, you may have already realized that the agony of the job hunt could be starting again. After attempting to find the right job for almost 426 years, I ended up as a programmer for a life insurance company. After seven days, I had already met a fair share of fun, interesting and entertaining people.
Then on the eighth day, I met everyone else. We all sat in the basement conference room and learned that our jobs were moving to Cincinnati.
The first two weeks of this adventure may have sounded boring to you. Reading the rest, however, may bother you a bit. It may hit a little too close to home. You may notice people in my story who are just like you ... or who have been in your situation. The people here will be given choices, but they aren't the choices they would have chosen. It's sort of like going on the game show "Let's Make a Deal," winning a lifetime supply of underarm hair, and having the opportunity to trade it in for what's inside of offensive smelling worn-out tennis shoe number 2.
The people in this story can move to Cincinnati and continue to work for a company that has been doing things the same way for roughly 800 years (they have the sundial to prove it). Or, the people here have the option to not move and find a different job, amongst a myriad of barracuda-acting work seekers, in a town where computer jobs aren't standing on corners and looking for the first trick to walk by.
Maybe the outlook sounds bleak. Well, it gets worse. Not only does the parent company want you to believe you are going to work in Disney World (where you get to hang out with Mickey Mouse and sleep with Snow White and Cinderella), but the company is going to pay you quite nicely to do so. The best part is, the only REAL work you have to do is properly knot your tie every morning. That is, assuming you have signed the waiver to give your soul to the company.
But it's worth it, because there's frozen yogurt every day in the cafeteria.
Things do get a little more interesting, because people are preparing to alter their life, their universe, due to a company's decision to move part of its team 100 miles up the road. You may find a person or two you can relate to in this story. At least, you'll think about it the next time you're sent packing by your employer. Or, if you're reading this at work, I'm guessing that could happen any minute now.
Comments